Labor Day

Ugh! What else is there to say to my day but that!!! Tonight leaves me feeling like I am a total failure! I did not walk into one situation today with gladness! Makes me sad! I have had so many good things happen to me lately but I feel just UGH! I don't feel like a good mom, I don't feel like a good much of anything right now! Just a bad awful day and I want it to get better but it is almost over! My kids are in bed and the usual sigh, that I finally have time to myself, it isn't there! Instead, I have a crappy feeling of failure, and I know this doesn't come from my heavenly father but it is here and I want it gone! Today I officially feel like I did nothing right, right up to bedtime! I had a child behave badly today, but I am not sure that I was worse than him! Help me Lord! These days leave me knowing I need help! Help that only God can give and I need it quick, well I know it is already answered and tomorrow is a new day, but tomorrow needs to be better! Please! Oh, I just hope my kids know how much I love them after a day like this, I tell them, but after they see me this ugly, I just ask God to help their little hearts! Come, Holy Spirit, Come!

Ahhhh!

It is 8:30 at my house and guess what, that means quiet time at the Felmey house! I love quiet time and believe me, I deserve it! We put in a long day here at the Felmey ranch! Just a few great revelations have been stirring in my head lately and my heart of course! God is showing me some amazing things! I can't almost believe it, but more and more I am getting the revelation that the spirit of God dwells inside of me and I realize I have the knowledge of those 12 disciples. I love how in 2 Peter, he puts us on the same level as him, having the same knowledge and wisdom as they, the apostles of Jesus Christ! Makes me sad that sometimes, we as Christians can comes across to people as having such superior knowledge, and the wisdom of God is overshadowed, by our knowledge...learning that the best teaching comes from Him! It has been a long and hard struggle for me to trust that my inner man could hear from God, but I am exercising it lately and I am experiencing some stuff! It has been rather a roller coaster ride, but I am determined to stay in it and I know God will slow that coaster down for me as I am looking to Him and pulling my knowledge from the very spirit of God that resides in me! It sounds so easy when someone teaches you, but when you have been loaded down with garbage, it takes some time to dispose of that garbage and get good pure stuff! God gave me a picture right now of us listening to teaching and we are like a garbage can at times. We receive a lot of stuff, some of it is valuable and some should be recycled, some should stay garbage, never to be repeated again. Well, it makes sense to me! I am learning to love the journey God has led me in, and asking less and less, what happened??? I know (from Christy) my obstacle is my pathway and wow that is the TRUTH! Obstacles haven't stopped me much in the past, but it has slowed me down, I am ready to step in the Jordan and see it dry up! Funny story to tell all of you, my son was sitting down for his haircut the other day, by the way, my kids got theirs last after all my time at work, and my son, said, hey, you are cutting off all my strength, I didn't know what he meant, he started singing some song about Samson and Delilah! God is so good, he learned it at bible school this summer! And it is so cute that his superhero came from the bible today! Superman has nothing on Samson! Love you all and goodnight!

Stirring!

Man I cannot sleep tonight, so I thought I would write myself to sleep! Hopefully! I can't even tell you why, but I did not feel great today and came home and rested! Went to bed at 10:45 and laid there! Don't know why my mind is so crazy, can't even tell you what I am thinking of! I registered my kids for school today and I can't believe it is that time of year. They are growing so fast! Two first graders, one third grader, and a senior! Where has the time gone? I think about all that has gone on in the past years raising my children and I amazed at the place I am at! We have made it through this life together and I am so thankful for them! There are times when I am so exhausted and can get frustrated with my kids but they really are the product of my existence! They keep me going! I love them so much and sometimes I am so impatient with them. God is helping with this daily as I try to slow down in this crazy life and enjoy them! They each one are wonderful in their very own way! Sydney is such a beautiful girl that came into my life 18 years ago at a very immature time of my life! God knew that I would be the type of person to focus on my responsibility, only He knows what I would have gotten into had I not had another person to tend to! I wasn't with her dad very long but me and her have been together for sooooo long! She has been through everything with me and she is doing very well, thanks to Jesus! I am enjoying watching her become a beautiful young woman, although I need reminded daily that God can take care of her! Jakob is my next child and he came along 10 years later! Oh did that rock Syd's world! He is a joy and full of life! 6 months after he was born I was "born again"! And oh life has changed so much. Having a little boy was so different but wonderful and I had a pretty easy time adjusting! When he was 16 months old, I found out I was pregnant with my next two, Gracie and Kody! Boy, what a challenging time in my life! My husband was battling drug addiction and alcoholism and this was quite a surprise to me at a crucial time in my life! Little did I know that they would be my saving grace! I have always been a person who would take care of their kids, but had no idea how I would do it now! The twins were 18 months when Jakob, Grace, and Kody's Dad and I separated! I had back surgery about 9 months later! I still can't believe I made it through that with 4 kids and my job, I don't get paid if I don't work! I took only 2 weeks off work and returned with the wonderful help of my coworkers! And here we are many years later! I just can't believe the trials we have been through and we don't even smell burnt! As I reflect back on life, I can see so much of God along the way, so much! He is my strength and my salvation! He is my light! What can man do to me? He is my husband! He is my provider! He is my everything! He has helped me raise my kids, there has been a solution to every problem I have had! This morning I am truly thanking the Lord for all He has done for me and asking Him to help me open myself up and to be able to recognize everything new He has for me! Oh what a glorious day! I need to sleep but this time was precious!!!

What a week!

Whew!!!! Where do I start! I hate to sound like someone who is whining, but my Father knows I am anyway, so why try to hide it! I hate when I am like this, but I have had a week that is strenuous! But I am very blessed to say I am realizing my provision right in the middle of it and I also realize the healing that is involved when I put my thoughts on this blog!

This past week someone totally invaded my life when they stole my debit card # and charged way too much stuff on it, I felt totally violated and kinda scared of the world we live in today! Then I was at work the morning after this happened and checked my account again and realized this person was doing even more and a girl at work really complimented me and I realized I have more peace than even I am aware of! She said, "This has been going on all day and you haven't been ranting and raving about it, I would be going off!" she said. It made me feel very good because I know I handled it differently than I would have years ago! I went to the police and filed a report and went home, I am really, what can I do, God is in control, and He will use it for good, somehow!!! Today, I realize my computer is full of multiple viruses, so I went and got a spy sweeper and took care of that, then my youngest son came down with strep. Man I am glad I am not where I used to be! I used to go on and on and on about how the devil is attacking me, and I am sure he is, he will never leave me alone. But today I have notice the provision God has in my life. Through all the bad, I havent' really suffered once, I have all the help I need when needed! My beautiful 18 yr. old daughter is here to take care of my son while I work, I have had more than enough to get by until my bank account gets all the way cleared and there has been a solution to every problem as it comes and a quick one!! I truly am blessed! A few years ago I would have been focused on everything going on. I truly am thankful for God's grace, it is what calms us when we have everything from the world flying right at our face, so vivid in our minds! I know I still have so much to learn about His grace! It becomes more and more solid each time I experience it!

I am looking forward to the rest of the week as God straightens out this mess! It is His mess, not mine! I can do nothing and He can do everything! I know each answer/solution is a part of who He is and what He is showing me about His love! Just when we are about to throw in the towel, he appears every time, EVERY TIME, and I am so thankful!

Another Week

Today I am really resting in the fact that I am learning a lot of truth about myself! Recently I have had a couple bumps in my road, but I am determined to stay on my highway of holiness! Not my holiness, of course, it is HIS!!! But the road I travel on sometimes is busy and monotonous!! Oh, how I need reminded of His gospel. I realize sometimes that the weekends are not something I look forward to, because I am reminded that my family is a "broken" one! When the week begins, I have work and routine to keep me busy, but when the weekend comes, it seems like everyone around me has plans with their family. Not only is my home family broken, but my life as a child was a broken home also and it feels as though it has stayed that way growing up. My mom is busy with her life and me and my brother and sister have kept in contact as a family on our own! It is not as though we don't see her, it is just different from most families and I have always looked at other families and longed for the closeness they have. Leaving church on Sunday and having a family (even extended family) to spend the whole day with, I long to have this with my children! And I will! Also the work week is loaded with activity of what I know is coming and I like knowing what is going on! So when the weekend comes and I have no plans, I look forward to church and that is about it! I know church is great, but God did not mean for that to be it. This leaves a person feeling that if church doesn't go good, the weekend was shot! Ohhhhh, I feel like no one will understand this, but I am sure someone will! Even if it is one! So I am left to know that God is working in yet another area of my life! I am still learning to relax in Him. In different ways, that he shows me every day! I have enjoyed so much of this summer with my kids, but today the first feeling came that I am ready to have them in school. With me being on a schedule, I am having a hard time keeping up with them and everything else and trying to feel as though it is a vacation for me too! That is a pointless effort! I had little preschoolers today at church and they are so cute! Full of life and know what they want. My heart reminded me today of how important it is that we look at kids and their inividualism! (is that a word?) Some people may take it as a child not listening or cooperating, but I have learned to let children tell me what they want, there is nothing wrong with that, God loves us to express ourselves and be the very creatures he created us to be! They know what they want at a very young age and I find the day to go much smoother if I allow them to tell me what they want to do, I direct it in a positive way and am just there to lead them! Wow if I could just get that God wants to do this with me! I just need to tell him what I want to do and He will lead me to the end result. I might get there on a different path then I planned, but it is a safer and happier way and no one else gets hurt! =) Wow, what revelation! Instead sometimes we sit around and say what do you want me to do God? I think we have it totally backward! When we try to be what we think the world or the church expects of us, we are unhappy and we don't learn anything. We are just pretending and we are pleasing others, not ourselves. Or God for that matter! He came to give us that abundant life! Not redundant life!!! Lord I ask you today to help me express me, myself as an individual! Thank you!

Newness

This morning I found this feeling of newness in my life! Freedom and it feels good! I realized how much I like this blogging stuff! It is really kind of healing! Yesterday I had a sorta rough day with my teenager but everything always turns out for good. She is such a good girl and she just needs guidance sometimes, life hasn't been especially easy for her either! Or anyone for that matter! The summer is moving so fast and I am enjoying my kids so much, they sleep in later (this is the first year they have slept past 7:30) and I get to spend more time with them because I am the only one on a schedule. They really are precious and they put up with my grumpiness pretty well. I love them so much and I am so thankful for them! Their dad stopped by the other day to see them and they get so excited, I have such mixed feelings, one because I know he is still messed up in life, but two they have no idea. They long so much to have their dad in their life and he has always been so self-involved. It is really frustrating to realized that being in someone's life hindered them, I mean really, we should compliment our spouse as their helpmate, not enable or just be there like a mother for them. I have learned so much and plan to learn so much more about love. Just loving my kids and watching them grow and knowing that I don't always make them happy by giving them everything they want. It helps them grow, and it is helping me with all relationships in my life. Yesterday, I posted a blog about pretending to believe and pretending to trust. Well when I was around Shawn the other day, I could sense his acting mode. It has to be awful walking around pretending to be ok all the time when you are not. And I don't mean my judgement of him being ok, I know all the things that must go through that man's head and I know he is not ok, but I know pretending is not fun and it gets old and sooner or later the real man comes out. The kids have been going to vacation bible school this week and they are having so much fun. I feel so bad for them because they see their dad and then they go about a month or so before they see him again or sooner or later, it is so irregular and I feel bad that it has become normal for them! I am truly thankful that God has came in and gave us peace and stability in the midst of confusion, yes we found hope! Today I am realizing that I am so much better than I used to be and I can walk in the hope of a new tomorrow, everyday! I have fought fears about my kids futures and how everything in our past will hinder them, but daily and I mean DAILY God is helping know I have NO FEAR in HIM!!! Thank you Jesus! My freedom is becoming more and more aparent to me!!! Thank you God for this blog that lets me get my feelings out of my head and realize some lies I have been believing and it reminds me of truth from so many other dear friends!

Seen or unseen!

Lately I have decided to get real with myself, no more pretending I am trusting when I am not, believing when I am not and just lay it all out there! Today I am gonna be more open than I normally am, so here it goes! I have been praying for my marriage for about 7, almost 8 years now and I was tempted to be in condemnation the other day! I am learning so much about the Lord and it truly comes from Him! I was sitting here the other night just talking to him and sharing my thoughts with Him and I said, "God, I am really tired, I know your will for my life is good, you came to give me abundant life!" and don't get me wrong, I do enjoy life most of the time! But there is a part of me that is empty and I am trying to get free in that area. My pastor preached such a good sermon this last Sunday, it stayed with me and I have mentioned more than once to people things that he taught us! I have had bad relationships in the past and it has made me have a guard up concerning relationships that I have today! I have always thought that if I ever worked things out with my husband or decide to move forward in life without him that my relationships would always be bad or different cause I am not normal. And God just woke me up the other day and used such a good friend to help me! She looked at me and said, "You are not even the same person anymore!" And that was like, WOW, it was like God saying it to me! And I got this peace when I came home and kept thinking on that and smiling, "I am not the same person anymore!" And I realize God has good things for me. But just like when God's people were at the waters carrying his very presence, the waters didn't dry up until they took that first step and moved forward. And I realized that I have moved forward A LOT over the years and I didn't even realize it and I know God has helped me, but if I can keep this confidence and knowing of his good plans for me, I could walk briskly into the things he has for me! Yes, it is scary sometimes, because change can be scary and the unknown is scary! But just knowing the unknown is good and I can't be disappointed with Jesus taking me every step of the way! One thought I have had that has tormented me lately is this, I don't feel married and I don't feel divorced! It is an awful feeling and I hate it and I am ready to move forward and I don't know what that first step is, but God will direct me! Anyone who reads this, prayer is welcome! I really want to experience this abundant life and I am so happy God has carried me this far, I can't wait to see what he has for me and my family!